Parentism..... Motherism.....

I recently took a heavy course about cultural sensitivity - or, diversity.  It made me think of a lot of things that I don't really pay much attention to.  And, it made me see some very sad things in our Adoption Community.  Things that, if applied to race or sex, would be considered biased.

First, before anyone says that I am trying to gag another person or anything like that.  I think everyone is entitled to their opinions and experiences.  This isn't about that.  Not at all.  It is about seeing things the way others see them.

Diversity, as it is defined, is the variations of norm or beyond norm.  Meaning, simply, that it is the variety that makes things interesting.  It was eye opening, to say the least.  It also showed how many communities, sub-communities, micro-communities there are and how very different each of them are and, oddly, how much the same.

The diversity of adoption is about the same as for the rest of the world community.  It depends on status - adult or minor; position - adoptee, adopter, mother, father; and it depends on socio-economic status - well off, poor, rich.  Sounds easy?  Nope, not even, it also depends on things such as race, racial mix, location, and about a thousand other things.  These different facets are combined as communities (all adoption related individuals), sub-communities (adopters, adoptees, mothers, fathers) and micro-communities (racial, socio-economic, location, etc.).

I considered all of that when I started this thought.... which is a round about way of saying this will be general, not aimed at any individual, but is a thought about how the community as a whole and the sub-communities of mothers and adoptees interact.  That being said, I am not speaking for everyone and not everyone from the community, sub and micro communities are going to agree with what I say or even like it.  I am, however, speaking from almost 50 years of observation and several degrees of education.

Okay - that sounded seriously pompous, but you get the point.  I am writing from what my experiences, education and life have taught me.

I noted something that seems to be so common it is sad.  I call it Motherism/Parentism.  Defined as:  Using an individual's status as a mother or parent of an adoptee to thrust social/personal bias upon them in an effort to minimize them as human beings.

Motherism/Parentism appears in a great number of forums and seems to be accepted by the community as part of life.  It is when an adoptee says things like "my mother is such a *;  The * should just die;  She is so nosy, why can't she mind her own * business" and then references to how horrible the mother is, that she is crazy, etc.  and what a nightmare it is to be part of her.  (This applies to fathers, but is rarely an issue.)  This can be combined with a number of sub-statements designed to denigrate the mother in question, such as how very glad the adoptee is that the mother did not raise them, etc.

I know that there are a number of people out there, mouths open, thinking I am talking about silencing adoptees.  Not even close.  I am talking about how mothers get put in this mold of being a non-human/sub-human class that is required to accept any and all behaviors from adoptees and adopters.

I am also talking about the simple fact that this is something akin to racism and sexism.  It creates a class of people that are not given the same rights, privileges and assistance as others.  It is like being a non-entity, slave, not worthy of respect or attention.

Okay, now that this is said, I have to say that there are a large number of adoptees that do not act this way, in spite of having very unresponsive or problematic mothers.  They realize and cope with the facts that not all mothers are the same and it is not helpful for anyone if they went around talking crap about the mother.  In general, they are usually respectful and worthy of respect.

What I don't understand is this:  If we fight so hard to end racism, teaching our children and selves to stand up and say something when something bad is happening, why do we not do this when we hear/read someone talking bad about mothers?  It is the same thing.

If you don't stand up and say "Hey, I know that you have a rough situation, but it really doesn't help anyone if you go around being nasty to every mother.  Can you stop?" Then aren't you just as guilty as they are of tramping on another human being?

I know that I stand up for the little guy - no matter who they are - and it never ceases to amaze me that people still think that if they say nothing, they aren't encouraging it.

Silence is agreement.

Just a thought to go with that... More and more adoptees are searching.  While we can't always guarantee that mothers are going to be receptive, or adoptees for that matter, we can pull together and guarantee that mutual respect is out there.  If you want to search and are just starting, remember this - your fellow adoptees that have hammered mothers are making more and more mothers not want to be found. 

Just thinking, you know.