Parentism..... Motherism.....

I recently took a heavy course about cultural sensitivity - or, diversity.  It made me think of a lot of things that I don't really pay much attention to.  And, it made me see some very sad things in our Adoption Community.  Things that, if applied to race or sex, would be considered biased.

First, before anyone says that I am trying to gag another person or anything like that.  I think everyone is entitled to their opinions and experiences.  This isn't about that.  Not at all.  It is about seeing things the way others see them.

Diversity, as it is defined, is the variations of norm or beyond norm.  Meaning, simply, that it is the variety that makes things interesting.  It was eye opening, to say the least.  It also showed how many communities, sub-communities, micro-communities there are and how very different each of them are and, oddly, how much the same.

The diversity of adoption is about the same as for the rest of the world community.  It depends on status - adult or minor; position - adoptee, adopter, mother, father; and it depends on socio-economic status - well off, poor, rich.  Sounds easy?  Nope, not even, it also depends on things such as race, racial mix, location, and about a thousand other things.  These different facets are combined as communities (all adoption related individuals), sub-communities (adopters, adoptees, mothers, fathers) and micro-communities (racial, socio-economic, location, etc.).

I considered all of that when I started this thought.... which is a round about way of saying this will be general, not aimed at any individual, but is a thought about how the community as a whole and the sub-communities of mothers and adoptees interact.  That being said, I am not speaking for everyone and not everyone from the community, sub and micro communities are going to agree with what I say or even like it.  I am, however, speaking from almost 50 years of observation and several degrees of education.

Okay - that sounded seriously pompous, but you get the point.  I am writing from what my experiences, education and life have taught me.

I noted something that seems to be so common it is sad.  I call it Motherism/Parentism.  Defined as:  Using an individual's status as a mother or parent of an adoptee to thrust social/personal bias upon them in an effort to minimize them as human beings.

Motherism/Parentism appears in a great number of forums and seems to be accepted by the community as part of life.  It is when an adoptee says things like "my mother is such a *;  The * should just die;  She is so nosy, why can't she mind her own * business" and then references to how horrible the mother is, that she is crazy, etc.  and what a nightmare it is to be part of her.  (This applies to fathers, but is rarely an issue.)  This can be combined with a number of sub-statements designed to denigrate the mother in question, such as how very glad the adoptee is that the mother did not raise them, etc.

I know that there are a number of people out there, mouths open, thinking I am talking about silencing adoptees.  Not even close.  I am talking about how mothers get put in this mold of being a non-human/sub-human class that is required to accept any and all behaviors from adoptees and adopters.

I am also talking about the simple fact that this is something akin to racism and sexism.  It creates a class of people that are not given the same rights, privileges and assistance as others.  It is like being a non-entity, slave, not worthy of respect or attention.

Okay, now that this is said, I have to say that there are a large number of adoptees that do not act this way, in spite of having very unresponsive or problematic mothers.  They realize and cope with the facts that not all mothers are the same and it is not helpful for anyone if they went around talking crap about the mother.  In general, they are usually respectful and worthy of respect.

What I don't understand is this:  If we fight so hard to end racism, teaching our children and selves to stand up and say something when something bad is happening, why do we not do this when we hear/read someone talking bad about mothers?  It is the same thing.

If you don't stand up and say "Hey, I know that you have a rough situation, but it really doesn't help anyone if you go around being nasty to every mother.  Can you stop?" Then aren't you just as guilty as they are of tramping on another human being?

I know that I stand up for the little guy - no matter who they are - and it never ceases to amaze me that people still think that if they say nothing, they aren't encouraging it.

Silence is agreement.

Just a thought to go with that... More and more adoptees are searching.  While we can't always guarantee that mothers are going to be receptive, or adoptees for that matter, we can pull together and guarantee that mutual respect is out there.  If you want to search and are just starting, remember this - your fellow adoptees that have hammered mothers are making more and more mothers not want to be found. 

Just thinking, you know.

We Hold These Truths......

The Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America begin with those words.  They were written in the hopes that we, as a community, would remember that we are all different and still have certain things in common.  That applies to every community all around the world.  It applies to micro-communities within the greater community.

For adoptees and mothers and adopters, it applies to the greater adoption community.  But for some reason it doesn't seem to be accepted.

For me, and I say this tongue in cheek, I see it as my "bill of rights" -

We, the members of the adoption community, regardless of title, connection or understanding, hold these truths to be self-evident:

A.  All people are created equal in the adoption loss game.

B.  All people should be willing to work through the problems of reunion with respect and dignity to every individual.

C.  Not all individuals have the same loss, the same gain, or the same prospective.

D.  Educating ourselves is a requirement for positive living and self-image.

E.  No individual or group of individuals has the right to assume the mantle of guidance for another individual's or groups rights without first being thoroughly familiar with and open to the possibilities and outlooks of all groups.

F.  Everyone has the right to be themselves, even if that does not fit with the greater community.

For those of you that do not understand these rights, remember, you can't speak for another without first talking to them.  If you choose to behave, en mass or alone, in a manner or manners that create stereotypes, then you have chosen to commit to violating the sanctity of Section E above.  You have chosen to label and assume other's rights.

Now..... LOL.... this doesn't mean another person can't write, think or talk about their feelings, reactions, behaviors, or the perceived feelings, reactions and behaviors of others.  It simply means that if you think that you have the right to say it, be prepared to get a response.

So, for all the adopters out there, while I know you believe that you are doing something positive, "I" feel that you are doing something selfish. This doesn't mean "I" think all adoptions or adopters are bad, but the reality check - if you do anything that is to make yourself feel better (i.e. infertility, needing to parent, knowing you can "help" a person, etc.) then you doing it for you, not them.  It isn't my place to say that you are wrong or bad, simply that you are doing something selfish.... no one is alturistic enough to do something that they are not going to get something out of... no one.

For all the adoptees out there, remember this, a large number of you are under 60 years old, you are computer literate and have, for the most part, been swept up in the information/instant gratification age.  Because of this, you have forgotten, for those of you under age 55, that your parents were probably around 16 years older than you.... making them at least marginally computer literate and more than capable of seeing the adoption community as a whole.  Because of this, the things that you print, the good and bad, become property of every single parent out there.... so, if you are unhappy with being adopted, so be it.  However, you are also putting out the anger at being "abandoned" by, most likely, young people that really had no options.

The group also puts out there, a great deal of the time, how wonderful the adopters are and how "they" (the adopters) would never have abandoned a child.  Thus telling all these parents that they are better off simply letting it go and not coming forward or being willing to allow someone so angry or sad or whatever, into their world.  If you don't find this believable, think about it this, there are far more blogs by "happy" adoptees than those that are simply wanting answers, no anger, no rage and no blame.  There are almost as many "angry" adoptee blogs as there are "Dear Bmommy" blogs, but the angry adoptee blogs have names like "Angry Adoptee" "you abandoned me bitch" and many more.

This leaves the young/now older parent wondering what exactly they did wrong.  After all, from my point of view, most of us paid in pain and blood for the privilege of starting our adult lives as dirt and, if the "angry" "happy" crowd has their way, ending them as dirt.

For mothers, I can only say that I made the mistake of attempting to justify myself, my thoughts, actions and feelings, to someone that is not open to that.  I will now only state my point of view, tell my story the way it is for me.  The rest is not my problem.

Far too many mothers have drank the "you need to suck it up" koolaid in my personal view point.  No one needs to take crap off another person.  I forgot that in my zeal to help my daughter "feel" a bond that is apparently only one sided... my side.

If you approach life in a way that lets others know that you can respect them without allowing anyone to make you feel smaller, then you will realize that you aren't the problem.  You did not, for most of us, abandon anyone.  You don't need to justify your actions, but can share your thoughts, experiences and the facts of what was, without feeling the need to make that person see you as a good person.

Being a good person has very little to do with adoption.  At least this appears to be true on all sides of the equation.  I have read "bmommy" letters that make my heart sick and my head numb with pain.  I have read adoptee blog entries that make me angry and want to tell all adoptees to go suck a lemon.  I have read mothers entries that make me want to ask them if they are just stupid or what.  All of this has led me, over the last 14 years, to understand that no matter what, humanity is the same in every aspect.... we are all different and your idea of "good" has almost no reality in what my idea of "good" is.

So, for me, I will try in my own way to be true to my bill of rights and probably fail.  But at least I will try.

I have to say it.  I moved my blog because of my daughter.  Yes, true, all of it.  Over the last almost 10 years - somewhere between 9 and 10 - I have been attempting to make sense of all of it.....

For those of you that get the story....

I recently discovered all the missing posts and that, combined with her obsessive returns to my blog, I was going nuts.  You see, when I try with her, she uses me, has attacked a few other blog writers (I know her writing style very, very well) and made my life, in general, one huge drama.

When I think of all the wonderful, warm adoptees I have conversed with and met over the years, I often think - why not mine?  why does mine have to hate me so?  It is sad and I can't begin to understand her or the situation.

So, I will blog here and leave the other blog - silences by me start her vendetta on others - only writing there to put up trivial crap and my poetry and stories.....  I hope that those that follow me realize that I am not turning them away - just her.