Abortion vs Adoption - The Latest Debate by the Unwashed

It is interesting that for some bizarre reason the death of Steve Jobs has suddenly become about how he could have been aborted.  In fact, it is the most prevalent of all things I have noted out there in blogoland.  And it is pathetic.  Yep, definitely pathetic.

Amanda, over on The Declassified Adoptee, stated it best when she put up a chart that shows, straight out, whose business it is in the first place.  NO ONE'S!  Yes, all of those wannabes and the great unwashed have all decided that Steve must have been saved from the abortionists of the late 50s... after all, he was very young when he died, so he is not that much older than I am!

The common attitude is that adoptees are somehow rescued from death by adoption. While this might have been true, if you believe in things that are ridiculous, it is very unlikely.  No woman, seriously, that wants an abortion that bad has ever been stopped.  So, it is even more surreal when the assumption is that somehow a woman that really doesn't want the baby carries it to term rather than ending the pregnancy.

Yes, it is reasonable to assume, considering the time frame and the lack of medical care that would allow for a safe (for the mother) abortion, that a woman might carry to term even when she didn't want the baby.  Realistically, considering the socio-religious tenor of society at that time, most babies brought into this world were wanted in some way.

Also, it is reasonable to think that because of the times, it is likely that a baby could have been "rescued" from abortion.... but highly unlikely. 

With all that said, one thing that seems to be overlooked is the fact that even when society was calling anyone that would consider, participate in or even look to getting an abortion, said abortions occurred every single day.  The majority were on rich little girls (teens) that mommy and daddy arranged to get proper medical doctors to perform the abortion.

So what does that say about who was pushed into the corners with bearing a babe that they would never be allowed to raise?  That would be the middle class and the poor.  Medical care for an illegal procedure comes at a very steep price.  And it was the same poor or middle class girls that were usually the ones that wanted to keep the babies that were born to them.

Abortion has never been synonymous with adoption.... ever.  The facts that have been gleaned since the era of mass baby thefts ended with Roe v. Wade have proven that if given the choice, most pregnant girls and women would raise their own child - single or not.  Abortion numbers dropped drastically when abortions became legal for anyone that did not want a child.

The industry would have you believe that a child that was adopted was going to be aborted... it justifies outright greed.  They are, after all, saving a child. Right?  Wrong.  What has been done by the industry is to validate their money grubbing ways with "moral arguments" such as "if the mother hadn't given up the baby, she would have gotten an abortion" so that the general public - the great unwashed - would gently and without a whimper, accept the premise that all babies need a mommy and daddy and adoption is the only way to provide that if the young mother is not married.

Reality - abortion is not a response, in general, to an unexpected pregnancy.  In fact, it is rare that an abortion occurs.... very rare.... when there is a surprise pregnancy.  Adoption, however, is common as dirt and much more devastating to both mother and child throughout their entire lives than being in a poverty stricken state.

To assume that adoption is the opposite of abortion is to assume that all the women that have a pregnancy that was unexpected are willing to simply flush away the baby creates the idea that only an "immoral" "immature" or "stupid" woman would get pregnant..... So what does that make their babies?

Come on.... Let's all get a grip and wake up!  

And honestly, Steve Jobs and his mother are none of our business.  They are/were human beings with their own lives and choices.  Maybe if we stopped gossiping and speculating on them, we could work out our own crap.

As We Step Back Into the Dark Ages......

Recently there has been a great deal said about how women are being treated as far as their rights and access to reproductive and feminine medical care.  Some conversation and news stories talk about how programs like Planned Parenthood and others have lost funding due to the squabble over abortion.  I have heard of women in Georgia and a couple of other states being prosecuted for things such as spontaneous miscarriage that may or may not have been caused by the use of alcohol or other substances.  Also, there seems to be a huge debate over whether or not a woman should be punished for simply not carrying a baby to term..... for whatever reason.

One thing that surprised me is the ignorance that is going out with this.  Logically, you would think that someone would get a clue as to the reality of living.  First, lets talk about Planned Parenthood.....

A lot of people think that Planned Parenthood is this huge demon that eats up fetus's by creating a drive to abort all babies that were a "surprise" or an "oops."  How ludicrous is that?  I mean, seriously?  First, Planned Parenthood was founded on the principle of helping women (young and old) obtain good woman's health care.  It was designed to help girls and woman to prevent pregnancies, through birth control and other things - not abortion.  The abortion part of that was something that was helping prevent women from the old alley and coat hanger abortionists that killed thousands of women and girls over a period of about 30 years.

Which begs the question, who actually profits if there is no way for women to get good care that is inexpensive and that is focused on them?  I can say this, religious zealots often tend to be the ones that can afford private physicians and who also have great incomes and support systems.... so it is easy to say "no" to someone else, if you don't have to worry about these things for yourself.

Adoption, of course, is one of the industries that profit.  If there are more babies, then hey, big money.

Medicine, yes, the doctors that we all know and love, profit.... particularly those in pediatrics, gynecology, and obstetrics.  Their livelihood comes from women, pregnancy and children.

The legal field.  Adoption attorneys make a tidy profit to do something that most adopter wannabe's don't even realize is happening - all those lovely papers that they sign and the attorney files, guess what, those are FORMS that are pulled up by an aid or secretary, filled out with the info provided, and back on the attorney's desk to give to the adopter wannabe's - in less than 20 min.  The filing fees are usually around $100 to $300 dollars.  So the actual costs, well, they aren't even a drop in the $30,000 bucket of adoption.  So, if there are more babies, well.... you get the picture.

Now as for the second part, how can anyone not see that this is a huge step back into being chattel?  I mean, seriously?  It always surprises me when the assumptions are all about how women need to be guided, somehow, to make good decisions - by men.  Okay, now that is nuts!  have you ever watched the things men do?  Really watched?

And prosecuting a woman for "maybe" hurting a baby in her womb - and that is real, no one is sure what causes what.  More babies are damaged as fetus's by medications and other substances that are thought to be safe, than any child born from a woman that smoked pot, cigarettes (I smoked - she was a healthy, huge baby and I was the one that got sick) , a glass of wine (which is very common in Europe and has been for thousands of years).  Reality check people, this is not about healthy babies!  It is about maintaining control of one half of the population!

Note:  Sperm is directly affected by substance abuse that occurs within hours of sex - this includes alcohol, etc. - making anything a man does during the cycle in which the sperm is created and that helps create a child affects the fetus.  Women are not the only guilty parties in these things.

We are headed back into being some man's property.  Unable to rent an apartment, buy a car, buy a house, get medical care, decide what is going to be our lives.... without a man to say it is okay.

And all you ladies out there that are saying that you are equal to your hubby, how many of you are doing the "stay at home" thing because of babies?  Or how many have had to ask your husband for household money, instead of just doing the stuff yourself?

I personally pray that this insanity ends......

Breathing the Air

Today, over on First Mother Forum, Jane wrote something that I feel is probably the most prevalent attitude or feelings of mothers when confronted with adopters/adoptive parents/prospective adoptive parents - what ever they prefer.  Mostly it is an acute discomfort with the urge to scream, run, or fight..........

Talk about severe fight or flight reaction..... I know that I have it.

I know adoptive parents that are good people.  They don't adopt to fill up their house with babies, but out of their own needs (there is no such thing as altruism) and with respect to the real needs of a child that actually needs a home (not one stolen from some third world country, sold, or whatever, but a kid that has NO home to go to and it is verified information).  Even these people, most of the time, make me uncomfortable on some level.

For those adopters out there, and their cheering sections, I often have the feeling of eels sliding over my skin, their slime trail making me nauseous.  I really don't understand a person that can take a baby, no matter what they "believe" the situation is, and not bother to realize that they are tearing apart a family.  That instead of spending all that money to acquire a child, why don't they become the benefactors of a group of children in a hands on way.

I know that certain adopters need to stay a long way away from me.  They have earned my eternal disgust and the idea of them being near me makes me have to suppress urges to do things that are not in my basic nature.

But when I enter a place where adopters are, places where they meet (and yes, they do have little groups that they cling to - I avoid the Y during certain hours and on certain days), I often come out feeling as if I need a shower..... a long, scalding shower.

Is that wrong?    

"Neither Here Nor There...": Right To Know Day 2011

"Neither Here Nor There...": Right To Know Day 2011

This is about ALL of us!  YAY!

Parentism..... Motherism.....

I recently took a heavy course about cultural sensitivity - or, diversity.  It made me think of a lot of things that I don't really pay much attention to.  And, it made me see some very sad things in our Adoption Community.  Things that, if applied to race or sex, would be considered biased.

First, before anyone says that I am trying to gag another person or anything like that.  I think everyone is entitled to their opinions and experiences.  This isn't about that.  Not at all.  It is about seeing things the way others see them.

Diversity, as it is defined, is the variations of norm or beyond norm.  Meaning, simply, that it is the variety that makes things interesting.  It was eye opening, to say the least.  It also showed how many communities, sub-communities, micro-communities there are and how very different each of them are and, oddly, how much the same.

The diversity of adoption is about the same as for the rest of the world community.  It depends on status - adult or minor; position - adoptee, adopter, mother, father; and it depends on socio-economic status - well off, poor, rich.  Sounds easy?  Nope, not even, it also depends on things such as race, racial mix, location, and about a thousand other things.  These different facets are combined as communities (all adoption related individuals), sub-communities (adopters, adoptees, mothers, fathers) and micro-communities (racial, socio-economic, location, etc.).

I considered all of that when I started this thought.... which is a round about way of saying this will be general, not aimed at any individual, but is a thought about how the community as a whole and the sub-communities of mothers and adoptees interact.  That being said, I am not speaking for everyone and not everyone from the community, sub and micro communities are going to agree with what I say or even like it.  I am, however, speaking from almost 50 years of observation and several degrees of education.

Okay - that sounded seriously pompous, but you get the point.  I am writing from what my experiences, education and life have taught me.

I noted something that seems to be so common it is sad.  I call it Motherism/Parentism.  Defined as:  Using an individual's status as a mother or parent of an adoptee to thrust social/personal bias upon them in an effort to minimize them as human beings.

Motherism/Parentism appears in a great number of forums and seems to be accepted by the community as part of life.  It is when an adoptee says things like "my mother is such a *;  The * should just die;  She is so nosy, why can't she mind her own * business" and then references to how horrible the mother is, that she is crazy, etc.  and what a nightmare it is to be part of her.  (This applies to fathers, but is rarely an issue.)  This can be combined with a number of sub-statements designed to denigrate the mother in question, such as how very glad the adoptee is that the mother did not raise them, etc.

I know that there are a number of people out there, mouths open, thinking I am talking about silencing adoptees.  Not even close.  I am talking about how mothers get put in this mold of being a non-human/sub-human class that is required to accept any and all behaviors from adoptees and adopters.

I am also talking about the simple fact that this is something akin to racism and sexism.  It creates a class of people that are not given the same rights, privileges and assistance as others.  It is like being a non-entity, slave, not worthy of respect or attention.

Okay, now that this is said, I have to say that there are a large number of adoptees that do not act this way, in spite of having very unresponsive or problematic mothers.  They realize and cope with the facts that not all mothers are the same and it is not helpful for anyone if they went around talking crap about the mother.  In general, they are usually respectful and worthy of respect.

What I don't understand is this:  If we fight so hard to end racism, teaching our children and selves to stand up and say something when something bad is happening, why do we not do this when we hear/read someone talking bad about mothers?  It is the same thing.

If you don't stand up and say "Hey, I know that you have a rough situation, but it really doesn't help anyone if you go around being nasty to every mother.  Can you stop?" Then aren't you just as guilty as they are of tramping on another human being?

I know that I stand up for the little guy - no matter who they are - and it never ceases to amaze me that people still think that if they say nothing, they aren't encouraging it.

Silence is agreement.

Just a thought to go with that... More and more adoptees are searching.  While we can't always guarantee that mothers are going to be receptive, or adoptees for that matter, we can pull together and guarantee that mutual respect is out there.  If you want to search and are just starting, remember this - your fellow adoptees that have hammered mothers are making more and more mothers not want to be found. 

Just thinking, you know.

We Hold These Truths......

The Preamble to the Constitution of the United States of America begin with those words.  They were written in the hopes that we, as a community, would remember that we are all different and still have certain things in common.  That applies to every community all around the world.  It applies to micro-communities within the greater community.

For adoptees and mothers and adopters, it applies to the greater adoption community.  But for some reason it doesn't seem to be accepted.

For me, and I say this tongue in cheek, I see it as my "bill of rights" -

We, the members of the adoption community, regardless of title, connection or understanding, hold these truths to be self-evident:

A.  All people are created equal in the adoption loss game.

B.  All people should be willing to work through the problems of reunion with respect and dignity to every individual.

C.  Not all individuals have the same loss, the same gain, or the same prospective.

D.  Educating ourselves is a requirement for positive living and self-image.

E.  No individual or group of individuals has the right to assume the mantle of guidance for another individual's or groups rights without first being thoroughly familiar with and open to the possibilities and outlooks of all groups.

F.  Everyone has the right to be themselves, even if that does not fit with the greater community.

For those of you that do not understand these rights, remember, you can't speak for another without first talking to them.  If you choose to behave, en mass or alone, in a manner or manners that create stereotypes, then you have chosen to commit to violating the sanctity of Section E above.  You have chosen to label and assume other's rights.

Now..... LOL.... this doesn't mean another person can't write, think or talk about their feelings, reactions, behaviors, or the perceived feelings, reactions and behaviors of others.  It simply means that if you think that you have the right to say it, be prepared to get a response.

So, for all the adopters out there, while I know you believe that you are doing something positive, "I" feel that you are doing something selfish. This doesn't mean "I" think all adoptions or adopters are bad, but the reality check - if you do anything that is to make yourself feel better (i.e. infertility, needing to parent, knowing you can "help" a person, etc.) then you doing it for you, not them.  It isn't my place to say that you are wrong or bad, simply that you are doing something selfish.... no one is alturistic enough to do something that they are not going to get something out of... no one.

For all the adoptees out there, remember this, a large number of you are under 60 years old, you are computer literate and have, for the most part, been swept up in the information/instant gratification age.  Because of this, you have forgotten, for those of you under age 55, that your parents were probably around 16 years older than you.... making them at least marginally computer literate and more than capable of seeing the adoption community as a whole.  Because of this, the things that you print, the good and bad, become property of every single parent out there.... so, if you are unhappy with being adopted, so be it.  However, you are also putting out the anger at being "abandoned" by, most likely, young people that really had no options.

The group also puts out there, a great deal of the time, how wonderful the adopters are and how "they" (the adopters) would never have abandoned a child.  Thus telling all these parents that they are better off simply letting it go and not coming forward or being willing to allow someone so angry or sad or whatever, into their world.  If you don't find this believable, think about it this, there are far more blogs by "happy" adoptees than those that are simply wanting answers, no anger, no rage and no blame.  There are almost as many "angry" adoptee blogs as there are "Dear Bmommy" blogs, but the angry adoptee blogs have names like "Angry Adoptee" "you abandoned me bitch" and many more.

This leaves the young/now older parent wondering what exactly they did wrong.  After all, from my point of view, most of us paid in pain and blood for the privilege of starting our adult lives as dirt and, if the "angry" "happy" crowd has their way, ending them as dirt.

For mothers, I can only say that I made the mistake of attempting to justify myself, my thoughts, actions and feelings, to someone that is not open to that.  I will now only state my point of view, tell my story the way it is for me.  The rest is not my problem.

Far too many mothers have drank the "you need to suck it up" koolaid in my personal view point.  No one needs to take crap off another person.  I forgot that in my zeal to help my daughter "feel" a bond that is apparently only one sided... my side.

If you approach life in a way that lets others know that you can respect them without allowing anyone to make you feel smaller, then you will realize that you aren't the problem.  You did not, for most of us, abandon anyone.  You don't need to justify your actions, but can share your thoughts, experiences and the facts of what was, without feeling the need to make that person see you as a good person.

Being a good person has very little to do with adoption.  At least this appears to be true on all sides of the equation.  I have read "bmommy" letters that make my heart sick and my head numb with pain.  I have read adoptee blog entries that make me angry and want to tell all adoptees to go suck a lemon.  I have read mothers entries that make me want to ask them if they are just stupid or what.  All of this has led me, over the last 14 years, to understand that no matter what, humanity is the same in every aspect.... we are all different and your idea of "good" has almost no reality in what my idea of "good" is.

So, for me, I will try in my own way to be true to my bill of rights and probably fail.  But at least I will try.

I have to say it.  I moved my blog because of my daughter.  Yes, true, all of it.  Over the last almost 10 years - somewhere between 9 and 10 - I have been attempting to make sense of all of it.....

For those of you that get the story....

I recently discovered all the missing posts and that, combined with her obsessive returns to my blog, I was going nuts.  You see, when I try with her, she uses me, has attacked a few other blog writers (I know her writing style very, very well) and made my life, in general, one huge drama.

When I think of all the wonderful, warm adoptees I have conversed with and met over the years, I often think - why not mine?  why does mine have to hate me so?  It is sad and I can't begin to understand her or the situation.

So, I will blog here and leave the other blog - silences by me start her vendetta on others - only writing there to put up trivial crap and my poetry and stories.....  I hope that those that follow me realize that I am not turning them away - just her.